When Hope is Not Enough

Skin care company Philosophy and their many followers boast their product "Hope in a Jar" facial moisturizer.  I just love the whole concept of being able to buy "Hope in a Jar."  My last few years have been challenging, to say the least, as many friends will testify, and I could really use some "Hope in a Jar." I bought it, slathered it on my dry, parched skin, and waited for the miracle. But guess what.  "Hope" was not enough for me.  I had to go their next product, "When Hope is Not Enough."

That, I believe, is the epithet of these challenging years: "When Hope is Not Enough."  Years when while we were paying two mortgages and two sets of bills my husband was diagnosed with a rare liver disease which will eventually call for a liver transplant.  When I suffered multiple orthopedic injuries that pulled me away from work for weeks at a time.  When I was surprised with having to have what I call "The Hysterectomy from Hell."  When my oldest son was diagnosed with a spine fracture that had slipped out of place and must wear a brace-cast for three months to avoid surgery. When I was rushed screaming to the hospital and had to undergo emergency abdominal surgery to repair an intestinal blockage.  These are the years when, truly, hope is NOT enough...

Unless that hope is Jesus.  When I was lying alone in my dark hospital room in horrible pain, doctors not knowing what was complicating my recovery, I thought to myself, "This could be it.  I could die here alone in this room."  But I wasn't alone at all.  Jesus was there when my human hope was not enough.  He was there in  He was there when I returned home feeling terrible with no answers as to why I had so much pain two weeks after surgery, still afraid I might not make it twenty four hours before going back to the hospital.  And He was there when I cried out to Him for help, to calm me.  He calmed me with the Twenty Third Psalm, The Lord's Prayer, old hymns, new praise music.  He is there in the friends who selflessly prepare meals for me and my family, in the friend who came over and helped my husband clean, in my kids who do laundry and wash dishes.

I often wish I could fix everything myself.  I want to buy something at the mall that will take care of all the problems.  I want "When Hope is Not Enough"  because it means I found the solution.  But I can't.  It is not enough.  Only Jesus.

Prayer Book

I have just started into my 10th day of hospitalization and am struggling through so many issues.  As is the case for so many people who find themselves in an Emergency Room writhing in pain for one reason or another, my plate was already very full, and I didn't think one more thing was needed to further test me, to build me up in the faith, thank you very much!  I keep telling God that if He keeps filling the plate I will just become a spiritual giant of proportions the likes of which the world has never known.  God must be chuckling, because I haven't eaten a single solid meal since May 14th when I first started getting seriously sick. 

While I really am closer to departure home,  it feels as if I will be here forever.  Satan loves to step in and mess with my mind, confusing feelings for facts.  Another example:  I feel alone on the inside.  The truth is that God has told me "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  (Deuteronomy 31:8)  But I knw all too well from working with people in Physical Therapy during  times of great difficulty in their lives that the most spiritually inclined can find themselves needing encouragement from trained persons who aren't trying to fix the situation. 

It was in that vein I requested a Chaplain visit tonight.  In a book of prayers he gave me, and I have never been one to read some pre-packaged prayers, I found this one for Late at Night that expresses so well my feelings and seems to validate where I am right now:
     "...When I can't sleep, I turn to you, Holy One, because I know that you never sleep and that you will hear me.
     "I worry even though I try to trust you.  I am afraid even though I try to be brave.
     "I am surrounded by people who love me, but I feel alone.  Even though I seem calm on the outside, on the inside I am anxious.
     "With the night, you bring a stillness to the busy-ness of the day.  Bring that stillness to me, as well, that I may let go of the worry and the fear and the loneliness and the anxiety and finally fall asleep." 
     Amen and Amen!

Legend of the Cracked Pot

I want to be used by God.  Many times I set out to do something good thinking God will use me greatly in this wonderful thing I am doing only to find that God had already been using me, I just didn't see it.  I think God wants my deeds to be so secret that sometimes even I do not know I have done a good thing!  Satan would have me to believe that I am too unlovely and too broken to be used by God, but it is in weakness that power is perfected.  I fully intend to keep being God's Cracked Pot!

This Indian Tale of the Cracked Pot describes what I am saying very well.

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Don't get me wrong, I want to keep growing spiritually, but the goal is for Jesus to shine so brightly through all my cracks that when people look at me all they  see is Him.