I have just started into my 10th day of hospitalization and am struggling through so many issues. As is the case for so many people who find themselves in an Emergency Room writhing in pain for one reason or another, my plate was already very full, and I didn't think one more thing was needed to further test me, to build me up in the faith, thank you very much! I keep telling God that if He keeps filling the plate I will just become a spiritual giant of proportions the likes of which the world has never known. God must be chuckling, because I haven't eaten a single solid meal since May 14th when I first started getting seriously sick.
While I really am closer to departure home, it feels as if I will be here forever. Satan loves to step in and mess with my mind, confusing feelings for facts. Another example: I feel alone on the inside. The truth is that God has told me "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." (Deuteronomy 31:8) But I knw all too well from working with people in Physical Therapy during times of great difficulty in their lives that the most spiritually inclined can find themselves needing encouragement from trained persons who aren't trying to fix the situation.
It was in that vein I requested a Chaplain visit tonight. In a book of prayers he gave me, and I have never been one to read some pre-packaged prayers, I found this one for Late at Night that expresses so well my feelings and seems to validate where I am right now:
"...When I can't sleep, I turn to you, Holy One, because I know that you never sleep and that you will hear me.
"I worry even though I try to trust you. I am afraid even though I try to be brave.
"I am surrounded by people who love me, but I feel alone. Even though I seem calm on the outside, on the inside I am anxious.
"With the night, you bring a stillness to the busy-ness of the day. Bring that stillness to me, as well, that I may let go of the worry and the fear and the loneliness and the anxiety and finally fall asleep."
Amen and Amen!
