Bottled Up

It seems that I only write when I feel I must because the words are about to all come out anyway.  I do that in relationships, too.  While I have been accused of being blunt, I tend to hold back on negative comments or criticisms until I feel that it will be sin to not speak up, but sometimes I still bottle up my views for fear that I will be rejected, will hurt my friend's feelings, or that I will simply be rebuffed. It is complicated, this business of when to speak and when to be silent, when to wrap it in a pretty package, and when to be plain and simple.  After all, once the words are out there is no taking them back.

In my last blog I mentioned being nearly off all anti-depressants. Well, I am there, and it is no bed of roses!  I can see that in relationships, just as in my medical care, I have to advocate for myself, if you will, to make my needs, desires, convictions known.  As much as I am tempted to think that my husband should just know what I want if he really really loves me, I cannot expect him to read my mind.  This is sooooo hard.  If I don't verbalize to him what is going on inside of me we can get into a passive-aggressive game and have lots of unfulfilled expectations.  A little vague, huh?  If it hurts me to bend over and clean the tub because of the recent surgery, I need to tell  him I need some help with that instead of playing a game to see who will clean it first.  This is a pretty simple example, but I can look around my home and see so many simple examples of lack of communication.  These things pile up literally and figuratively until it weighs down a relationship with junk.  I don't want this for my relationship with my husband, or with anyone else, for that matter.

I think I will give myself a gift of a bottle opener with an inscription that says, "pray and count to 10 before using."  Maybe this will keep me in balance.